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SOCIAL ACTION PLAN
14 THINGS TO DO
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#1 DO YOUR OWN WORK
Social Action Plan: Welcome
Cindy Wang Brandt:
By becoming aware of our history and the complex ways we participate in systems of inequality or hierarchy, we begin raising ourselves to resist systemic injustice, we empower our children, and we change our communities
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It’s our job as parents to develop a robust sense of self and identity so that we are free to recognize another’s selfhood. When we are whole in ourselves, we are able to share it for the wholeness of others. I try to love myself as much as I love my kids. In times of indecision, I often ask myself, “What would I tell my child to do here?” If I pay attention to my own needs with the same vigilance that I attend to my children, things usually work out.
Doing my own work – keeping my own fear at bay – requires patient, quiet, consistent work. I have the choice each day to live in fear or lead with love. Meditation, exercise, intellectual stimulation, practicing gratitude, laughing, connecting, and crying all keep me centered so that I can show up in the best way for my kids.
In Parenting Forward, Wang Brandt says, “The best parenting is done not in the direction of our children but through the hard work of deep healing within ourselves so that our children are met with a healthy and whole parent imparting patterns of loving kindness instead of shame,” (Wang Brandt, 2019).
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#2 TRUST
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Trust is a gift we can give to our kids. By trusting them, we are saying, “You are capable, you are competent. The universe will show you everything you need to know, and I am here to unconditionally love you while you learn. You are responsible for your actions, you are smart enough to figure things out, you will fail, and I will love you.” I think trusting our kids teaches them to trust themselves. And when we are able to tap into a loving, trusting instinct in ourselves we spread that out through society as adults. When I tell my kids that I trust them to choose things that are right for them, I don’t mean things that I believe are right – I mean things that the world wants to teach them in that moment which will guide them to knowing and trusting themselves.
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#3 SURRENDER
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Cindy Wang Brandt
Our job as parents isn't to prescribe the kinds of fruit our children will grow, but to be diligent in watering the roots of injustice, letting each of their unique seeds germinate into their dynamic selves.
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Let’s consider where we can surrender more power over our kids and their journey in life. We need to remind ourselves that respect is earned; it is not the result of coercion. Seizing control over children sends the message that they are not capable or worthy of exercising their autonomy – it is one of the truest forms of insult. When we control our kids, the assumption is that they don’t know how to live, think, and behave. If we are in the habit of controlling everything our kids do, at what point can we loosen up the reins? Will we even recognize that moment when it comes? It is actually by letting go of power that we come to know the true power we hold in changing systems of injustice in our society.
Letting go of control doesn’t apply only to rules at school or out in the world. When we tell our kids what their bodies should look like, what clothes they should wear and how they should do their hair, we are denying them the freedom to express their authentic selves. Let’s grant our kids agency over their bodies, showing them by releasing control over their physical appearance that they are worthy of respect and individual dignity simply by virtue of the fact that they are alive. We lived our lives; let them live theirs.
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#4 EMBRACE THE ARTS
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Parenting, like art, is a creative, mysterious, moving, maddening and profound avocation. We have a lot to learn from artists when it comes to interacting with our kids. Deborah Carlisle Solomin, author of Baby Knows Best: Raising a Confident and Resourceful Child, the RIE Way, has her own observations about artists and their parenting techniques. “That acceptance of struggle and mistakes is part of the creative or the learning process,” she says. “A lot of artists have a much easier time letting their children own that process themselves without interfering.”
She explains that, especially in early development—with children under the age of two—many adults don’t give their children the time and patience to create and develop. They have a tendency to jump in and immediately to offer help or problem-solve, which she says negatively impacts the child’s sense of self. “Maybe it’s because of the relationship to the process of creating art, but [artists] seem able to give their children the time to create themselves, and develop,” (Deborah Carlisle Colomon, 2015).
As parents, let’s celebrate the arts with our kids. Sing, dance, play instruments, bang on pots and pans, paint, sculpt, go to the theatre, design clothes, and have a fashion show in the living room! Artistic expression is one of the most authentic ways we can exist in this world, and when kids learn to embrace it, they develop self-esteem and confidence in their uniqueness.
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#5 SHOW, DON'T TELL
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No matter how tolerant a parents claims to be, research findings suggest that, “…efforts to stamp out racism may be fruitless until adults address their own biases — and that kids may pick up on even subtle hints at prejudice,” (Krisch, 2018). I believe we are how we act and not what we think. When I parent on purpose instead of how culture dictates, I know I’m on the right track.
Parenting in action means showing courage by talking about fear; showing respect by not gossiping; showing tolerance by accepting rather than fighting; showing value by caring for oneself and one’s possessions; showing humility by giving with no expectation of recognition or receiving; showing fairness by pausing and listening to another point of view; showing the value of independent thinking by participating in diverse conversations that challenge us; showing trust by surrendering control, and so much more.
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#6 CONNECT
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Surround yourself with your community of like-minded individuals who will reinforce your values in fearless parenting for social justice. Accept and embrace that human beings are social creatures, and we can do more together than we can do alone. That said, it’s ok to be mindful of whose opinions really matter to you and your children. It’s also important to remember that in any relationship, our connection is only as authentic as what we choose to put into it. This is a powerful lesson for children as they prepare to form bonds and relationships with society.
In her book Daring Greatly: How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead, author, professor and researcher Brene Brown, Ph.D. describes how she listens only to those who, as she puts it, are in the arena with her. Members of the arena are those who are living life with authenticity, vulnerability, and the courage it creates. There are those in the audience above the arena hurling criticism and judgment – but those are not the ones to connect with. She writes, “Perfect and bulletproof are seductive, but they don’t exist in the human experience. We must walk into the arena, whatever it may be – a new relationship, an important meeting, our creative process, or a difficult family conversation – with courage and the willingness to engage. Rather than sitting on the sidelines and hurling judgement and advice, we must dare to show up,” (Brown, 2012).
Connecting as a parent means showing your kids you don’t always have the answers and that’s ok – if not necessary – for living in a just society. It shows them we are not alone in this world and power comes more in the form of togetherness and unity than it does by isolation and fear.
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#7 SLOW DOWN
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We live in a quick society. We are constantly refreshing, quick fixing, scrolling, swiping, and seeking the next best thing. As parents, often we simply need to remind ourselves and our kids that some things take time and time is good. If we raise our kids to think that problems must be solved quickly, then we will continue to see an impatient and anxious society. Instead of urgency, let’s focus on evolution by acknowledging each individual step that it takes to solve issues. More patience and less impulsivity in parenting teaches reflection, patience, and curiosity in our children.
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#8 EMBRACE FAILURE
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I have a strong belief that without pain there is no growth. We spend so much time and energy shielding our kids from failure and from pain, sending the ominous message that they can’t survive the suffering. Or worse, that life is fair, that bad things don't happen (or cannot happen) and that we are entitled; that the world owes us whatever we consider to be just. Let’s be satisfied with progress over perfection. Let’s let our children experience disappointment, endure conflict, feel sadness, and experience suffering so that they will know success, joy and love in the truest sense as they go through life. Life is not easy, but our job is to show our kids that they can get through the hard times.
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#9 LISTEN
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In some ways, I think there is no greater gift we can give one another than our active attention. When we actively and reflectively listen to our kids, we’re showing them, rather than telling them, that they matter and we care. I believe we should enable the voices of our children to be heard. It’s not about me; it’s about them.
Maybe the greatest question we can ask our kids is, “What do you think?” Listening to them and believing in them teaches them to trust and believe in themselves. This can come down to the simplest areas in life. If I take my child out for ice cream and say, “You need to order the chocolate – it’s so good,” isn’t it true that I’m telling them what to think/what to like? If I ask, instead, “What kind of ice cream do you want?” I’m inviting them to trust themselves to know who they are and what they like; that their life and their preferences are theirs and not mine.
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#10 PROTEST
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Protesting is a tangible way to demonstrate to children that they have a right and the power to influence the society they live in. Martin Luther King, Jr. taught us in the civil rights movement that children have the right to take a stand for what they believe in and that non-violent demonstration is essential for change in our society. If we truly wish to disrupt systems of injustice, we need to listen up when our children disrupt and defy authority. If we listen to them today when they point out injustice, we will unlock change by empowering them to speak up as adults.
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#11 CARE FOR OUR PLANET
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Parenting for social justice doesn’t only refer to social inequality. Each day, we can show our kids how to participate in our physical world in the spirit of love and respect through simple action. We instruct our children to do household chores, to care for their bodies and mind their manners with friends. Why wouldn’t we apply these same principles of showing respect to the world around us? To our home, planet Earth?
According to author, journalist and social activist Naomi Klein, the global food system now accounts for between 19 and 29 percent of the world greenhouse gas emissions. Parents have the chance to disrupt the normalization of access to global foods by eating locally sourced foods at family mealtimes. The dinner table can be a place for grounding the family in harmony and justice for our planet. Let’s become more conscious of effective consumption habits that minimize waste and conserve resources.
As Cindy Wang Brandt says, “We live in this world and in systems that contain our lifestyles. It’s not possible to completely extricate ourselves from all this, nor should that necessarily be our goal. But our awareness and choices to combat it can shape our children’s future,” (Wang Brandt, 2019).
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#12 BE WITH CREATURES
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When we treat animals with kindness and respect, we show our kids how to live in love and harmony with others and with our world.
I’ve grown up around animals all my life, and they have taught me more about what it means to love and how to be a good steward of our world than anything else. Be mindful of how you treat the family pets. Are training methods in your family based on coercion and fear, or based on understanding and kindness? Are you positively or negatively reinforcing the behavior of the animals in your family? If we're not careful, we risk teaching our kids lessons in domination and the dark side of power through unjust or inhumane treatment of animals.
When we take our families to the zoo, are we listening when our children express feelings of concern for caged animals? What messages are we sending about the environment when we buy tickets to the circus to see dancing elephants or tigers chained to their cages? As a staunch supporter of animal rights, I teach my kids about abuse suffered by thoroughbreds in horse racing, I talk about the neurotic behaviors of wild animals we observe at the zoo, and I speak out against animal cruelty whenever I see it. I believe we live alongside animals rather than dominate them through ownership, and I encourage my kids to see creatures with respect and open mindedness. I believe we can all do the same.
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Temple Grandin, author and animal rights activist
If we’re interested in animals, then we need to study animals for their own sake, and on their own terms, to the extent that it’s possible. What are they doing? What are they feeling? What are they thinking? What are they saying?
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#13 PRACTICE CONSENT
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Imposing our judgments, opinions, labels, proclamations, and agendas on others without permission is a violation of our intrinsic right to autonomy. Whether we’re interacting strangers, engaging with animals, talking to our kids, or simply spending time with friends, I believe it’s essential to recognize that all interactions are dynamic. If we are not participating in relations with others by virtue of consensual engagement, with mindfulness and accountability, then we are simply either a performer or an audience member. A ruler or a subject.
There is one simple question we can ask our children – and anyone, for that matter – while engaging in discussion or basic problem solving: “Would you like some feedback?” By asking our kids if they want to hear what we have to say, we are first confirming whether or not the interaction is collaborative or performance – based. Let’s face it, sometimes kids (and adults) just want to share thoughts and feelings as a means of processing emotions. When both parties understand the rules, we operate collectively in a framework that invites support and growth. Imagine if society acted according to this principle.
Do we always have the right to proclaim our opinions to others? When was the last time you walked up to a stranger in the park and stroked their hair? Perhaps if you did so, they would protest by shouting or even slapping your hand away. Would you then declare that person to be aggressive or intrinsically mean? Apply this scenario to a dog in that same park. If we don’t ask the dog for consent to be in their space by way of offering our hand for a sniff, we can expect a growl, a stand-off or even a bite. In that case, who is truly to blame? We ask dogs to consent so we won’t get bitten…why wouldn’t we respect the principle of consent with everyone we interact with?
Simply put: teaching our kids to be mindful of how to show up in relationships with people, animals, and the environment, will set them up to participate with respect and humility as adults in society. Kids need to know that if they go out into the world imposing their views without respect to another’s agency, they may get bitten.
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#14 RECOGNIZE FAMILY DISCRIMINATION
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I think it’s safe to say that most of us practice discrimination in our homes on a daily basis without even recognizing it.
How many of us brush off something that grandma said because she’s “a crazy old lady?” For those of us who have experienced a loved one suffering with dementia or Alzheimer’s disease, let’s consider what we are telling our children about the experience. We have a choice to either ridicule grandpa’s behavior or talk with our children about what the disease entails and how best to help him.
When we are driving with our kids in the car, do we poke fun at elderly or minority drivers on the road? Do you ridicule your teenager for the music they listen to or the movies they watch? Ever caught yourself shaking your head and saying, “kids these days.” Think about that: is it ok to shake your head and say, “blacks these days,” or “lesbians these days?” Isn’t “kids these days” a socially acceptable way of discriminating young people right to their face? How many of us have tried to get our children to listen to “our music,” only to have them roll their eyes. If we want them to listen to our music, why don’t we listen to theirs? Do they not matter simply because of their age?
How often do parents joke with one another – even in front of their children – that they need a glass of wine to decompress after dealing with the kids all day? In fact, now we can buy alcohol with labels like "Mother’s Little Helper." What message is that sending our kids? Are we laughing and sipping wine together while unknowingly demonstrating to our children they are so inherently frustrating and difficult that in order to survive being around them we need to anesthetize ourselves? How is this showing our kids that they are valuable, that we love them, that we honor them and that they are important? Imagine going to the store with your partner and buying a bottle of wine labeled, “Desperate Housewife” or “Marriage SOS.”
When we marginalize members of our own family – for whatever reason - we are teaching prejudice, discrimination, and oppression to our children. By mocking, shaming, or diminishing someone in our home, we are demonstrating to our kids that a person’s value is conditional on his or her physical attributes and personal preferences. We teach them how to be perpetrators of discrimination in everyday life, and it’s this normalizing of oppression that can and must stop if we simply pause to think about what we’re doing and saying as parents.
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